Well, today is Saturday, August 10, and it's been 10 days since we dropped Gabe off at the MTC in Provo. The good news is, I'm not QUITE as big of a hot mess as I was last time I wrote. Honestly, the hardest part of the day for me is always right when I wake up and open my eyes and remember that Gabe isn't in our house anymore. Then I get really sad and start to have a mini panic attack. This morning, I had to wake up and go to a relief society birthday breakfast for people with July and August birthdays, so it was actually kind of good to get me out of bed and out of the house. For that reason, I am a little grateful for school to be starting because I'll have something I need to wake up and go do.
Okay, now it's Sunday. Yesterday was actually a good day because we seemed busy all day. Josh started building a shed in the backyard, Caleb and Avery were both home most of the day. Caleb was helping Josh build the shed for a while and Avery and him started playing Mario Kart in between the down times. It brought back memories of the boys playing Mario Kart when they were little! I went to the relief society breakfast and cleaned the kids' bathroom and did a bunch of laundry, so I felt busy and productive.
Friday had been a good day too because we were able to talk to Gabe a LOT. He had to go to the temple in the morning, but then at about 12:30 he called and talked to just me for about an hour. The conversation was both good and bad. It was good because he seemed like he was doing better and that gave me peace of mind. It was a little bad because I MAAAAY have admitted to him that I read some of his emails between him and Sophia as they were planning their little MTC meet-up. To be fair, she had sent me a text message on Tuesday with a picture of Gabe and his companion and it said, "Look who I saw!" I was not even sure how to react to her. So instead, I sent the screenshot of that text to Gabe and had said, "Gabe, I say this out of love, but you need to get your head on straight." He wrote back right away and was like, "How do I need to get my head on straight?" And I was like, "If you're focusing on Sophia and messaging her to plan to run into her at the MTC, then you're probably not focusing on your classes and thinking about things that you need to." And he was like, "We just ran into each other. It wasn't planned. I just looked up because I heard someone saying my name and there she was!" So.... I knew that wasn't true because I opened my laptop and his email was still connected, and I instantly could see this huge chain of messages where they were constantly talking about where each other would be and when they were walking where. So it was OBVIOUS they had been basically texting and had planned it. At first, I didn't want to call him out on that because then he would know I had read his emails. So I just kind of played it cool and said, "I just want you to focus, etc." But then finally about 24 hours later on Wednesday, I texted Sophia back and told her I didn't think she should message Gabe except on P-days and that it probably wasn't a good idea for them to have coordinated that meet-up because he's been saying he's having a hard time focusing on classes and I think it would be easier if he wasn't messaging you all the time. (I said it in a nicer way than that.... but basically that was the gist.) She texted me back on Wednesday after a few minutes and was like, "I'm sorry, I didn't know I was being a distraction." And then I texted her back and was like, "It's ok, I know you weren't trying to be..." and I thought we were fine. But THEN, her crazy MOM sends me this super snarky text out of nowhere, like, "I can't believe you would text Sophia and tell her that! Now she feels terrible and sick! She should be having fun with her cousin at FSY and now she is miserable." And I was like, "What?" She even said that she had ENCOURAGED the planned meet-up at the MTC! I was floored. Who is this woman? The thing that REALLY made me mad was that I saw an email from Sophia where she said to Gabe, "My mom said she hopes Gabe 'mans up' and sees me at the the MTC." WHAT!? Breaking the rules the first week you are on your mission is not what I would call "being a man." I was so annoyed. SOOOO... anyways... long story short... On Friday's phone call with Gabe we kind of talked about all this and how I had read his messages. He wasn't thrilled about that. But I told him I wouldn't read them anymore, and I haven't. (It's been three days... quite the accomplishment... lol) Have I been a little tempted? Yes. Have I done it? No. So there's that! Anyways, it could have turned into a really bad phone call with a fight about me reading his emails and him being mad, but it really didn't go that bad. I told him I was sorry for doing that, but that I really just wanted to know if he was lying to me (which he was) about planning that run-in with Sophia. I hope that moving forward, he will start to CHOOSE for himself to follow the rules and not get too focused on her. I'm really just hoping with time, Sophia moves on, Gabe moves on, and they just stop writing to each other. It would be great if he just Dear Jane'd her in about 6 months to be honest. I don't really know if that will happen because he won't be like, interested in dating anyone else or tempted by other girls while on his mission, so I'm hoping they just grow apart and then maybe Sophia meets someone by some miracle. Gabe said though that she doesn't really like to socialize and she just likes to sit in her room and read... sooo.. greeeaaaaat (eye roll.) Hopefully he matures and realizes he can do better. As I write that, part of me feels a little bad because she's not horrible. She at least was respectful when I texted her that about not messaging as much, and I think hopefully she's adhering to that. (I haven't checked, so I'm just naively hoping...)
Anyways, enough about that girl. Gabe is doing better and seems to be getting adjusted more, so that's the most important thing. I think it made me have a good day on Friday because we had talked so much and it kind of felt like maybe he was just across town and we were talking on the phone or something, and it was really nice. It's hard to go a week without talking to him, but Josh and I do send little encouraging messages usually at night before bed and sometimes throughout the day. He just "likes" them with a heart, but doesn't really respond much because he's not really supposed to. I feel like it's one of those gray areas that everyone kind of takes differently, because on the one hand, I'm telling Sophia, "Don't email him five times a day," but on the other hand, I think it's fine if Josh sends him a nightly quote or scripture of the day. But when Sophia emails him, it's like, "Oh my gosh Gabe, I miss you so much, you are so hot, you don't even know. None of the boys at FSY are as hot as you, and they were trying to talk to me, and I was like, "I have a BOYFRIEND on a mission," and then they left me alone," Like, I'm sorry. That is NOT anything Gabe needs to even be hearing right now. It in NO way helps him focus on the spirit or why he is there. All it's doing is selfishly making him think about you and how other guys are trying to talk to you, soooo just stop. Devil Woman. lol Okay, I'll try to have a better attitude about Sophia. I have to remind myself that I honestly probably would've been the same way at age 17. She just needs to do some maturing and hopefully date some other guys her senior year and then go to college somewhere and meet people, and then MAYBE if Gabe gets back in two years and dates her ALONG WITH SOME OTHER PEOPLE and decides, she is the one, then I will try to be nice. I don't know about her crazy mom. That's seriously the worst part. If her mom hadn't texted me, I think I'd be thinking a lot more positive thoughts about the potential of Sophia in his future life. But now that I've seen a taste of that mom's crazy, I don't know if I can handle living with that for the next 40 years!
Okay, I said enough of that girl and then slipped back to it. Can you tell I've been stressing about it?! Why did Gabe have to get a girlfriend right before his mission!? Anyways, I am going to be posting Gabe's weekly updates on his own blog, so I won't write a ton about what he's been doing at the MTC, but it sounds like it's a lot of Spanish, a lot of practicing teaching lessons to investigators, some devotionals, weekly temple trips, and more. I'm glad he seems to be adjusting and it seems to be getting a little better for him. The first few days I was like, having dreams that he showed up at home and was like, "I just couldn't do it anymore." But Friday after we talked, I went to sleep that night and woke up from a dream where he was actually on his mission in Spain and it was going well. So I think our Friday conversation really gave me more peace of mind.
This next week is going to be a bit of a bummer, especially today through Wednesday. Josh had to go leave for Boise about an hour ago for a chief of police conference. Church today will feel so weird because two weeks ago in church I had my whole family by my side, then last week we were missing Gabe, now today it will be just me, Caleb, and Avery! (Tears.) Also, my good friend Claire is moving! AND she's been visiting family like the past THREE Sundays. Today she is in Washington. It's so sad! Then, she is moving into her new house on Wednesday, so she won't even be in our ward anymore! This has been a hard past two weeks with people in my life leaving. :(
I know this might sound crazy, but I even started entertaining the idea of maybe having another baby! LOL I know, that's crazy. I'm aware. But I'm just missing Gabe and feeling like our life is getting to the point where I'm not ready to be done being a mother, but my kids are just going to keep leaving! Two more tears with Caleb, and then just a few more with Avery! I'm only 40. Maybe we could still have one more? The only thing that's keeping me from that is that that kid would be basically raised as an only child, and I feel like that would be really sad for them. I just need to try to not have a mental breakdown these next few weeks, and hopefully it will get easier and we will get used to Gabe being gone. I think it's hard when you only have three kids in your family and the oldest one is such an integral part of your family dynamic, and then he leaves. It just feels so empty. I honestly now kind of wish we would've have at least one more kid after Avery. Like, if I could just zap in a 10 year old boy (or girl, but probably preferably a boy... lol) it would make me feel less empty and sad because we'd just still be busy with kids, you know? But... we didn't have more at the time because my pregnancies had been so hard and I had to be on bedrest, and we were also struggling financially at that time, so it just didn't make sense to have anymore. I felt relieved to be done after Avery. But now, I'm just so of regretful that we didn't. Hopefully it gets better with time.
Anyways, this was a really deep post. I hope someday I look back on this and am like, "Wow, that was such a hard time, I'm so glad I'm better now!" We have this last week of summer vacation, and then I have to start back up with school inservices and stuff starting on next Tuesday, August 20. I will be working all week, and then the NEXT week, the kids start school on Monday, August 26. Then, I'm excited that we will be busy with football games and school and hopefully things will start to feel somewhat normal again and the time will start going faster (I say that with such torn emotions because I know that if it goes faster, it means it's closer to Caleb leaving, and I don't want that either!) But I do really miss Gabe. Somehow, some way, we have to adjust to life without him for the next two years, but it's hard when your son was basically your best friend. :(
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