So... that title about sums it up! I was thinking back to when Gabe was first born and was hooked up to all the tubes and wires and monitors in the NICU and how hard that was, and I really think these past few days have been harder. There's basically A) the adjusting to him being gone and our new family life, which feels so empty. Plus, B) there's also the constant worry that he's struggling and miserable at the MTC. I feel like I should just drive down there and go pick him up because that's my job as his mom, but yet I feel like there's totally no way I could do that. Everyone keeps saying, "This will get better, it's for his good, he will learn and grow, and it's the refiner's fire," and all that. But right now, it just sucks, to be honest! I think if he was at least loving it and feeling the spirit and writing me and calling me telling me it was all so fun, then I would be able to put my own feelings of sadness aside, but the fact that we talked yesterday and he said he's "really struggling" has me wondering how we are going to make it through two years. I have already cried countless times, and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying just writing this. I'm really hoping that when I talk to him again next Friday (his p-day) that things will have gotten better.
I didn't really even tell any events of the past week because I've just been venting emotions, but here is what has happened since I wrote last.
Gabe finished Home MTC - His whole Home MTC experience went from Monday, July 22 to Tuesday, July 28. He basically had lots of classes each day, but whenever he had a free moment, we would go for a bike ride or something. It was really good having him home and I was just trying to be available for any spare minute that he had available that he wasn't in classes online. On Sunday, it was his last day in church with us and as I watched him up at the front with Gabe Appleby preparing the sacrament, I was just hovering close to tears thinking about how this might be the last time I watch him do the sacrament! I mean, I know he will come back, but who knows if he will still go up there and do that if he's a return missionary and they have tons of other young men by that time.
On Monday he still had class for most of the day until about 4:30. Then his friends, Noah and Gabe, came over and hung out until about 9:30 when we kind of had to politely kick them out. Josh gave Gabe a blessing that night and I kind of wish we would have had Gabe give me one, but we didn't. Then on Tuesday, we got everything packed up for the final suitcases (which I had been working on here and there for weeks) and we got all his shirts washed and packed and it suddenly became real! Sophia came over again in the morning to say goodbye.
Looking back, I kind of regret not being more strict with Gabe and Sophia during the Home MTC. I feel like they were still texting and calling a lot and now that he's at the MTC, he may still be messaging her. I want to tell him that that's probably something that's keeping him from really being immersed in his gospel learning, etc. but I don't want to be a busy-body mom. I think he's going to need to come to that realization himself. He needs to get fully immersed in the MTC, and I think he's not quite letting himself if he's messaging her a lot. Hopefully he will read this someday and be like, "Yup! You were right mom!" But she told me she's going to be at the MTC on Tuesday for her FSY, and that she told that to Gabe, and I'm like, "Are you freaking kidding me?" I didn't say that, but I'm thinking how distracting that could be. I really hope she doesn't try to text Gabe and ask where he is and try to see him. I'll admit, there are moments I have wished he didn't get a girlfriend two months before his mission, and this is definitely one of those moments. If they end up getting married, this can never be seen by them... lol She really is a nice girl, but it's just not the best thing for them both right now.
Anyways, back to the story. We pulled away from our house on Tuesday at about 11:30am. We drove down to Provo, ate dinner at Culver's (Gabe's choice), and got checked into our hotel. We stayed at the Springville Suites Marriott and it was about five minutes from the MTC. Then, we decided to go to Provo Beach (kind of like Fat Cats) and we went bowling and played laser tag. We were only there from about 6:00-7:30. Then Josh wanted to go visit his old mission president, President Cameron, who lived right there by the MTC. He and his wife are the classic older churchy couple. They told us a few stories of Josh on his mission and told Gabe how excited they were for him. Sister Cameron gave him the advice that I think I should have written down, which was, "When you get to the MTC, it's easy to get overwhelmed. But don't get overwhelmed by everything you need to learn and do all at once. You have a lot of time and you won't know it all even when you leave the MTC. That's okay." I think that's where Gabe is struggling right now because he really likes to succeed at everything and he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be good at things. He's very much a perfectionist oldest child.
Anyways, on Tuesday night we went to sleep in the hotel and I surprisingly slept like a baby. Me and Gabe shared a bed, and Josh and Avery shared a bed and Caleb slept on the roll-away. My friend, Claire, made fun of me when I told her this, but every night for the past 18 years, I have tucked Gabe in and laid down in his bed and we've talked for a while, so I didn't think it was weird at all! lol I actually slept very well knowing he was right there next to me! I was trying to soak in all the Gabe time for the next two years! Josh said he woke up in the middle of the night to pee and he thought Gabe was gone! Then he realized he was literally snuggled up right next to me and like, under my armpit on my side of the bed so he couldn't even see him! lol
The next morning, we woke up and it was crazy to think it was our last few hours with Gabe. We got ready, ate breakfast at the hotel, and then drove over to the Provo City Center temple to take some pictures. The Provo temple that was across from the MTC for years is currently demolished and is just a big hole in the ground! We honestly should have taken a picture of Gabe in front of the hole. That would've been funny to look back on in a few years. Maybe the new one will be built by the time Caleb us leaving. (Probably not... but we will see!) So we took some pictures, then drove back to the hotel and officially checked out just before noon. We also ate an early lunch at about 11:00 at this little place right next to the hotel called Shirley's. It was actually probably the highlight of the morning, it was so good. I'll have to remember that for next time if we end up taking Caleb down to the MTC. (Part of me would be ok just sending him on a plane from Idaho Falls because the MTC drop-off is the worst!)
At about 11:45, we started to make our way over to the MTC. His drop-off time was officially at 12:45, so we still had about an hour to burn. First, we drove over to the corner where the MTC sign is and I made Gabe take a picture in front of that. I felt like all the moms that were in their cars stopped at a stoplight right there were looking at me with faces of pure sympathy, knowing I was about to drop him off maybe also knowing from their own experience how horrible it was about to be. I actually started crying walking down the sidewalk just seeing all their faces look at me like a little kid whose puppy just got hit on the roadside. Luckily, I was wearing my sunglasses.
Then Gabe and I walked back to the car and we drove a block over to this church that was right next to the Provo temple construction site. As fate would have it, we pulled into a parking spot, and I looked over and there right next to us was a guy that looked familiar. I said, "Gabe! Is that your companion?" He was like, "Elder Walker?" and sure enough! It was! His family had decided to take their last pictures there as well! So we snapped a couple pictures of our families together and the two boys together. I thought it was really cool.
Then, it was time for the big drop-off! We pulled into the little station and checked in and told them we had Elder Rhodes. They guided us to pull into the underground parking garage. As we drove in, we could see lots of elders and sisters standing on the sides waving and welcoming everyone. Then, we pulled to a stop and got out of the car. An elder (who told me he had only been there 2 weeks) introduced himself and I said, "Are you the one who can take a family picture for us?" He said, "Yes," and took a couple pictures. Then, we got Gabe's bags out of the truck and I quick took some pictures as Gabe hugged Avery, then Caleb, then Josh. Then I quick handed my phone to Josh and was like, "Take one of me and Gabe!" I gave him a hug, then pulled away, then gave him one more hug, then started to tear up, and decided I'd better walk away or it would be a total breakdown! I know Gabe really didn't want to start crying either. Then with that, he turned and walked with his elder helper guy and went into the building. It was awful. But I honestly held it together pretty well once we started driving. We got all the way home and I think I only started to tear up once or twice, but didn't actually start crying.
Once we got home though, and we walked into the house and we saw his car in the garage and the chocolate cake he left uneaten on the counter... that's when I broke down. Just the reality hitting that we were home and he wasn't, and he wouldn't be for a verrry long time? That was the worst moment. Our house just doesn't feel the same without Gabe. I really feel like he was kind of the glue that brought laughter and fun into our home. I loved talking with him. I easily talked with him more than anyone else in our family, including Josh. I don't want to be dramatic, but I think one of my biggest fears is just hoping that our family can navigate the change of getting along without Gabe here. He has such a light-hearted influence that seems to often calm the tension between Josh and Caleb or sometimes even me and Josh. I feel like Gabe and I have very similar personalities and we were able to joke around a lot, and I think that's what I'm going to miss the most.
My friend, Claire, came over that night and we talked for a while and that kind of took my mind off things. Then we went to bed and we only actually had one night in our beds because Josh, Avery, and I went to Boise the next afternoon.
Waking up on Thursday morning was THE WORST. Probably even worse than drop-off day. I cried right when I woke up. I cried in the shower. I cried in the toilet closet. I cried in Gabe's room on his bed. It was ugly. Walking down the hall to go say good morning to him like I have for the past, well, forever, and seeing his room empty was just horrible. Even as I write this, I'm starting to tear up!
But then luckily, I had planned to go out to lunch with Claire and Michelle King, so by 11:15 I took Avery over to Claire's house so she could babysit and I picked up Claire, and we headed to Cafe Rio to meet Michelle. It was really good to be out of the house and talking with them. It took my mind of it for a little while. While we were there, we ran into Devin, then Kyle Rawson (our stake president), and Debbie McCluskey. Everyone asked how I was doing and it was nice to chat with everyone about Gabe, but I was also trying not to lose it! After lunch, Avery and I got back home at about 1:30. Then, we packed our overnight bags for Boise.
I went to this police thing at the Romance Theater from about 4:00-4:45 where Josh was awarding the detectives some honors for working on the Daybell case. Then as soon as we all got back home and got packed up, Avery, Josh, and I left for Boise at about 6:00. Josh had to go there because two new officers were graduating from the academy in Boise and Avery and I decided to tag along, mostly because I wanted a distraction. Caleb thought about coming along, but he had work on Friday and Saturday morning, and he wanted to have his friends sleep over on Friday night, so he stayed home.
It was a fun little escape from reality. We stayed in a nice hotel and did a little shopping and swam in the hotel pool and watched the Olympics.
Now we are back home. We got home at about 12:30 this afternoon. Coming home again to a house without Gabe in it was hard again. I really hate it. It's not just that he's gone, it's that I feel like a chapter of our family's story is over. Debbie McCluskey sent me this text the day after we dropped off Gabe and I told her I was struggling, and she said, "It's like grieving a season of life that you had." I think that's so true. I'm grieving that I think he's all grown up and gone, and the season of having all three of our kids young and living under our roof, all tucked safely in for the night as one family unit, those days are gone forever. Now, in the future, we will have to navigate girlfriends, and then spouses, and grandkids, and not having all of our kids together as our little family unit. I hate that. I want my kids all to myself! lol
Anyways, I guess I better stop having my pity party, but hopefully someday I look back on this time and think to myself, "Whoa, that was so hard. I'm so glad it got better after that." Because right now... it's really not an enjoyable time! I really hope Gabe starts to adjust to the MTC and on the next call, he's telling me, "This week has been better. I'm starting to understand Spanish and make friends and I think it'll be okay." I forgot to even tell about his Facetime call, but he called us on Friday because that was his P-Day. We were in the hotel and it was kind of awkward because I wanted to ask him all these things, but I felt like he couldn't really be as open and honest with me because his companion and other elders were all around in the background. I was like of thinking, "How are we supposed to have a good conversation with all these people listening and all that's going on!?" He had emailed me the night before though and kind of answered some questions I had asked, but he had also told me how he was struggling. I think I will actually copy and paste it here so I have a record of it. It was hard to hear that he's having such a hard time. In the past, when he would call like that from Boy Scout Camp or whatever, we would ask him, "Do you want us to come pick you up?" We never actually did and he would typically get over it within a couple days, but I had a really hard time feeling like I couldn't offer to come pick him up! I think he's just feeling overwhelmed and realizing, "This is the next two years of my life." I really hope it gets better!
Here was Gabe's email on P-day:
I'm sorry your having a hard time. There's already been moments when I've wanted nothing else but to see you all again. When I was about in 1st grade(it was probably later to be honest, I was kinda a baby) but the day before we had planned that I would walk to school with some friends and Nicole Bloyter. Although I agreed to it I really didn't want to because me and you always walked together and I didn't want that to change. Then the morning of when me and my friends had started walking to school and we got to about the hurzoffs and I felt so sad I wasn't with you that I yelled "I have to pee" then ran home and gave you a hug while on the verge of tears and then you drove me to school. There's already been so many times that all I've wanted was to just come home to you. Before, No matter how hard the homework assignment was or task i was given I knew that you would help me and it would work out. Knowing your still here for me is what's keeping me going. I've been so homesick and it's so hard just being here. But your an amazing mom and I'm so grateful your here for me. You mean so much to me and I can't wait to call you over Facebook messenger. I feel so over whelmed I think I'm just gonna email you my journal and if you could just post that I would be happy if you just pointed any of those people that way. I love you so much mom. Oh yeah the questions,
2. Did you find the picture of Sophia’s brother?
4. Did you and Elder Walker fight over the top bunk?
6. Who all is in your room? Tell me names and where they are going. Also, tell me if they are weird.
7. What did you eat for dinner?
Here are the pictures he shared on his Google pics the first couple of days:
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