Football, Fishing, and Back to School

 Just a quick update! This last week was the last week of summer vacation 2024! :( I can't believe how fast it went. I feel like our family has lived 5 different lives in the past 4 months! We've gone from being super busy with Josh being gone to the FBI Academy in April/May and both boys being busy with track and Avery and I being busy with school, to traveling out to Washington DC and Wisconsin, to getting Gabe ready to leave on his mission, to Gabe actually LEAVING on his mission, to us fumbling around and trying to figure out life without him. And now another school year is starting tomorrow and I can't even believe it! I told someone that this is the least I have thought about school starting in all my years of teaching. I feel mostly ready, but I haven't really obsessed over the details like I usually do because I just feel like there's been so much else on my mind! I haven't even had room left in my brain to stress about school! Also, I think the fact that I'm only going to be there until 12:30 each day has me feeling like, "It's all fine, it's going to be a breeze." But I still should probably lesson plan! lol It's just been crazy busy at the school too because the new addition got done and it caused a huge shake up of classrooms, so I'm one of the few that isn't moving! So this last week when we weren't at the high school for inservice days, we were at the junior high and I was helping other teachers clean out the English closet and/or move things into their classroom. I really didn't spend a lot of time sitting in MY classroom getting ready! So, we will see how it all goes tomorrow! Guess we will find out! lol

I feel like my mood has been better this week. I started taking magnesium supplements, which a neighbor/doctor had recommended, and I feel like that's helped. I had sent some of those to Gabe a few weeks ago when he was struggling and he started feeling better too, so I don't know if that made the difference or just that he got adjusted to being there too. I also started taking my birth control pills again. I was seriously just feeling so weird those last couple weeks that I wasn't on them. I was super weepy and I could hardly even sleep, my mind just kept running. I'd wake up and stress about Gabe being gone and my mind would just keep racing about all of my anxieties about life in the future, and it was so bad. There was one night I really only got like 3 hours of sleep. So I started taking them again and the magnesium at the same time, and I think it's been better these past few days. I'm still telling Josh, "I still feel like I might be being prompted to have another baby, which I realize sounds crazy. But why can't I stop thinking about it?" I don't know if I'm still just sad about Gabe being gone or if there's really something the Lord is trying to tell me. I told Josh, "Maybe you just get your vasectomy reversed, and I stop taking my birth control pills for a few months, and we just see. Then if it does't happen, we'll know and be like, "Welp, we tried." He's like, "Heeecccck no." He didn't say those exact words, but basically. Truthfully, statistically even if he did get it reversed, there's only like a 40 percent chance of his swimmers being successful after a vasectomy ten years ago. So, it's pretty likely it wouldn't even happen. But what if?? Who knows. I'm probably just a 40-year-old lady having a midlife crisis, I know. 

Anyways, let me talk about Caleb's football game opener! After practicing all summer, the day finally arrived! On Friday, August 23, Caleb ran out onto the field with all the other Madison Bobcats and played a great game! He ended up playing guard because Cary Fa was injured. All summer he has been playing as center, so I really hope he gets to play that again when Cary comes back! The problem is, the other guy who plays center is a senior, and they tend to give priority to seniors. I just wish the would bench him and let Caleb play because even Justin Mumm who coached last year told me Caleb is sooo much better than Teagan. We will see! But the game went well. It started pouring during the first quarter and there was even some lightning, but the didn't call it off! We ended up beating the Bonneville Bees 41-6. It was a great way to start the season! Here are some pictures!

On Saturday, Caleb and I went to Idaho Falls and watched Cayson Summers play in his little grid kid jamboree. It wasn't the same as having your own kid out there to watch. :( I really wish I had a little boy that was 10 right now! But I can't just ZAP one in unfortunately! Caleb has been helping coach their team a little bit, so he was my excuse to go along and watch. Then we went to Winco and got some groceries, and then we drove over and watched the beginning of the freshmen game. They were doing really well and I would've watched more, but Josh called and was wanting us to hurry back so he, Caleb, Cody, Colter, and Cayson could all go fishing together. Josh had planned on going fishing on Friday with some work friends (Hirschi and a couple others) but then they had a homocide happen late Thursday night, and Josh ended up being gone all night dealing with that, so the fishing didn't happen on Friday morning! I'm glad they got to go on Saturday. He needed to decompress a little I think. Between Eliah's suicide last week and all the funeral stuff and now this homocide, it's been pretty heavy.

Also, we got to talk to Gabe two days ago on Friday! It was the 4th Facetime call we've had with him as a missionary, and I feel like he's definitely so much better adjusted than he was since the first one. When we had the first one (only two days after he had gotten there) I really wondered if he would stay out on his mission! He was sooo homesick and sad. But now, he says all the time that he's feeling a lot better and he's feeling excited to leave the MTC. The crazy thing is, he will probably leave there in about a week! He told us that tomorrow (August 26) he is taking a bus with a few other missionaries to UVU to meet with the Spanish consulate about his visa. It sounds like the visa has been approved and he just needs to go meet in person to pick it up! So, he's excited, but I'm a little nervous! I feel like he's well-adjusted and comfortable right now and in a week and half, we will have another P-Day call where he's sad and homesick and nervous. It sounds like I'm in for the next two years of being a constant roller coaster of ups and downs and just worrying from thousands of miles away! I don't know how I'm going to handle that! But here are some of his best pictures from the past week (lots more will be on his other blog).

2.5 weeks without Gabe, End of Summer, Almost Back to School

Well, Gabe has officially been in the MTC for 2.5 weeks, and we are still trying to adjust to life without him around. I feel like I'm having the hardest time. Caleb and Avery seem fine, Josh seems okay. I'm struggling. Gabe and I were really best buds, so it's hard for me not having him around. I keep having thoughts about having another baby and I'm not sure if that's just my mid-life crisis and being sad over Gabe leaving, or if it's actually something I'm feeling prompted about. It sounds crazy. It is crazy. I always told people having a surprise baby after my kids were old would be my nightmare. Now I'm actually considering it! I should probably stop. Who knows if we even COULD have another baby. So, I better just stop thinking about it. 

Anyways, the house does still seem quieter and emptier without Gabe. But Caleb is like a 10-year-old boy at heart, even though he's 16 and 280 pounds. Last night, he had his friends Benson, Cole, and Jameson over and they had each proudly bought their own big Lego set at Walmart. Then they came back here and started to assemble them in our living room while watching a movie. 

I feel like having teenagers brings so much life into the home because it's their friends that are over too. I miss having Gabe Appleby and Noah and Porter over, who were Gabe's good friends. Porter is on a mission too and Noah and Gabe A. both are starting their senior year this year. Avery's in that awkward preteen spot where she just struggles with friends. I feel like she doesn't really have people over like the boys always did. Boys really are so much easier to raise than girls, at least our boys. I hope Avery gets a little nicer and happier in her teen years. 

Also on Saturday, we floated the Warm Slough, just me, Josh, Avery, and Caleb. We had tried to invite the Milners or the Hughes, but they were both busy. I feel like it's kind of a bummer that a lot of my friends are younger than me, or even if they AREN'T younger, they feel younger because they started having kids later. Like all of my high school friends right now have kids that are 5-10 years old because they didn't start having kids until their late 20s or 30s, whereas I had Gabe at 21. I always thought I'd be so happy and feeling like ahead of the game to be done raising kids at like 45, but now thinking about being an empty nester at 46 makes me really, really sad. Like, crying hysterically in the shower and wondering what my purpose in life is sad (which is what I did a few hours ago in the shower.) But I probably need to just embrace that I'm getting old I guess. In the evening, we went out to dinner with Lindsey and Cody Summers. Colter and Clay came over here and hung out with Caleb and Avery and went swimming, but Landyn was with friends at the fair and Cayson was with friends somewhere. I really like Cody and Lindsey. I honestly think if they didn't have two little boys, maybe I wouldn't be wanting to have another baby. But I look around at all my friends and think, "What am I going to be doing once Caleb leaves? Our house will be sooo boring, and Josh will be working for 10 more years and all my friends will be busy with their kids, and I'll just be sitting around looking at a wall and feeling sad!" It's really been occupying my thoughts lately that I should've had another kid or two after Avery. 

I feel like I haven't really talked about anything we did this week! We also helped Claire moved, which also sucks, because she was my good friend and now she doesn't live in our neighborhood anymore. She moved into an older part of town and honestly, I think the house they bought is pretty crappy, but she so desperately wanted to buy a house. Now I can't ride my bike over there anymore, which is also adding to why I'm feeling bored and sad. 

Caleb has been having football practices lately. I am really excited to watch him play football this fall. Hopefully, that goes well and he feels like he's a good part of the team. There's been a little drama lately over which position he will play. We were thinking he would be center, but now there's been talk about him playing guard or something. I would rather him play center. He's good at snapping the ball. But we will see! 

Josh is super busy with his chief duties all the time. I feel like whenever he's not at work he's either talking on the phone or texting someone. We had a boy in our community named Eliah Gordo commit suicide the other day, which was awful, and Josh was the first one on the scene. Caleb knew him pretty well and was on student council with him. They are having a candlelight vigil tonight for him at the baseball fields. I think about what I'm going through missing Gabe, and then I get kind of like, sheepish because I think of Brandee (Eliah's mom) and the hell she must be going through right now. I can't even imagine. 

Anyways, I start teacher work days and inservices on Tuesday - Friday, so I better get my head in the game for school. Then the kids all start back on Monday, August 26. I'm hoping teaching gets my mind off things, but right now I just feel so weird. It just doesn't feel quite right and I'm worried that it never will again. :( Does this ever get better? Here are some pictures of Gabe (tons more are on his blog page) but he's doing well, and I'm grateful for that!

1.5 Weeks Without Gabe

Well, today is Saturday, August 10, and it's been 10 days since we dropped Gabe off at the MTC in Provo. The good news is, I'm not QUITE as big of a hot mess as I was last time I wrote. Honestly, the hardest part of the day for me is always right when I wake up and open my eyes and remember that Gabe isn't in our house anymore. Then I get really sad and start to have a mini panic attack. This morning, I had to wake up and go to a relief society birthday breakfast for people with July and August birthdays, so it was actually kind of good to get me out of bed and out of the house. For that reason, I am a little grateful for school to be starting because I'll have something I need to wake up and go do. 

Okay, now it's Sunday. Yesterday was actually a good day because we seemed busy all day. Josh started building a shed in the backyard, Caleb and Avery were both home most of the day. Caleb was helping Josh build the shed for a while and Avery and him started playing Mario Kart in between the down times. It brought back memories of the boys playing Mario Kart when they were little! I went to the relief society breakfast and cleaned the kids' bathroom and did a bunch of laundry, so I felt busy and productive. 

Friday had been a good day too because we were able to talk to Gabe a LOT. He had to go to the temple in the morning, but then at about 12:30 he called and talked to just me for about an hour. The conversation was both good and bad. It was good because he seemed like he was doing better and that gave me peace of mind. It was a little bad because I MAAAAY have admitted to him that I read some of his emails between him and Sophia as they were planning their little MTC meet-up. To be fair, she had sent me a text message on Tuesday with a picture of Gabe and his companion and it said, "Look who I saw!" I was not even sure how to react to her. So instead, I sent the screenshot of that text to Gabe and had said, "Gabe, I say this out of love, but you need to get your head on straight." He wrote back right away and was like, "How do I need to get my head on straight?" And I was like, "If you're focusing on Sophia and messaging her to plan to run into her at the MTC, then you're probably not focusing on your classes and thinking about things that you need to." And he was like, "We just ran into each other. It wasn't planned. I just looked up because I heard someone saying my name and there she was!" So.... I knew that wasn't true because I opened my laptop and his email was still connected, and I instantly could see this huge chain of messages where they were constantly talking about where each other would be and when they were walking where. So it was OBVIOUS they had been basically texting and had planned it. At first, I didn't want to call him out on that because then he would know I had read his emails. So I just kind of played it cool and said, "I just want you to focus, etc." But then finally about 24 hours later on Wednesday, I texted Sophia back and told her I didn't think she should message Gabe except on P-days and that it probably wasn't a good idea for them to have coordinated that meet-up because he's been saying he's having a hard time focusing on classes and I think it would be easier if he wasn't messaging you all the time. (I said it in a nicer way than that.... but basically that was the gist.) She texted me back on Wednesday after a few minutes and was like, "I'm sorry, I didn't know I was being a distraction." And then I texted her back and was like, "It's ok, I know you weren't trying to be..." and I thought we were fine. But THEN, her crazy MOM sends me this super snarky text out of nowhere, like, "I can't believe you would text Sophia and tell her that! Now she feels terrible and sick! She should be having fun with her cousin at FSY and now she is miserable." And I was like, "What?" She even said that she had ENCOURAGED the planned meet-up at the MTC! I was floored. Who is this woman? The thing that REALLY made me mad was that I saw an email from Sophia where she said to Gabe, "My mom said she hopes Gabe 'mans up' and sees me at the the MTC." WHAT!? Breaking the rules the first week you are on your mission is not what I would call "being a man." I was so annoyed. SOOOO... anyways... long story short... On Friday's phone call with Gabe we kind of talked about all this and how I had read his messages. He wasn't thrilled about that. But I told him I wouldn't read them anymore, and I haven't. (It's been three days... quite the accomplishment... lol) Have I been a little tempted? Yes. Have I done it? No. So there's that! Anyways, it could have turned into a really bad phone call with a fight about me reading his emails and him being mad, but it really didn't go that bad. I told him I was sorry for doing that, but that I really just wanted to know if he was lying to me (which he was) about planning that run-in with Sophia. I hope that moving forward, he will start to CHOOSE for himself to follow the rules and not get too focused on her. I'm really just hoping with time, Sophia moves on, Gabe moves on, and they just stop writing to each other. It would be great if he just Dear Jane'd her in about 6 months to be honest. I don't really know if that will happen because he won't be like, interested in dating anyone else or tempted by other girls while on his mission, so I'm hoping they just grow apart and then maybe Sophia meets someone by some miracle. Gabe said though that she doesn't really like to socialize and she just likes to sit in her room and read... sooo.. greeeaaaaat (eye roll.) Hopefully he matures and realizes he can do better. As I write that, part of me feels a little bad because she's not horrible. She at least was respectful when I texted her that about not messaging as much, and I think hopefully she's adhering to that. (I haven't checked, so I'm just naively hoping...) 

Anyways, enough about that girl. Gabe is doing better and seems to be getting adjusted more, so that's the most important thing. I think it made me have a good day on Friday because we had talked so much and it kind of felt like maybe he was just across town and we were talking on the phone or something, and it was really nice. It's hard to go a week without talking to him, but Josh and I do send little encouraging messages usually at night before bed and sometimes throughout the day. He just "likes" them with a heart, but doesn't really respond much because he's not really supposed to. I feel like it's one of those gray areas that everyone kind of takes differently, because on the one hand, I'm telling Sophia, "Don't email him five times a day," but on the other hand, I think it's fine if Josh sends him a nightly quote or scripture of the day. But when Sophia emails him, it's like, "Oh my gosh Gabe, I miss you so much, you are so hot, you don't even know. None of the boys at FSY are as hot as you, and they were trying to talk to me, and I was like, "I have a BOYFRIEND on a mission," and then they left me alone," Like, I'm sorry. That is NOT anything Gabe needs to even be hearing right now. It in NO way helps him focus on the spirit or why he is there. All it's doing is selfishly making him think about you and how other guys are trying to talk to you, soooo just stop. Devil Woman. lol Okay, I'll try to have a better attitude about Sophia. I have to remind myself that I honestly probably would've been the same way at age 17. She just needs to do some maturing and hopefully date some other guys her senior year and then go to college somewhere and meet people, and then MAYBE if Gabe gets back in two years and dates her ALONG WITH SOME OTHER PEOPLE and decides, she is the one, then I will try to be nice. I don't know about her crazy mom. That's seriously the worst part. If her mom hadn't texted me, I think I'd be thinking a lot more positive thoughts about the potential of Sophia in his future life. But now that I've seen a taste of that mom's crazy, I don't know if I can handle living with that for the next 40 years!

Okay, I said enough of that girl and then slipped back to it. Can you tell I've been stressing about it?! Why did Gabe have to get a girlfriend right before his mission!? Anyways, I am going to be posting Gabe's weekly updates on his own blog, so I won't write a ton about what he's been doing at the MTC, but it sounds like it's a lot of Spanish, a lot of practicing teaching lessons to investigators, some devotionals, weekly temple trips, and more. I'm glad he seems to be adjusting and it seems to be getting a little better for him. The first few days I was like, having dreams that he showed up at home and was like, "I just couldn't do it anymore." But Friday after we talked, I went to sleep that night and woke up from a dream where he was actually on his mission in Spain and it was going well. So I think our Friday conversation really gave me more peace of mind. 

This next week is going to be a bit of a bummer, especially today through Wednesday. Josh had to go leave for Boise about an hour ago for a chief of police conference. Church today will feel so weird because two weeks ago in church I had my whole family by my side, then last week we were missing Gabe, now today it will be just me, Caleb, and Avery! (Tears.) Also, my good friend Claire is moving! AND she's been visiting family like the past THREE Sundays. Today she is in Washington. It's so sad! Then, she is moving into her new house on Wednesday, so she won't even be in our ward anymore! This has been a hard past two weeks with people in my life leaving. :( 

I know this might sound crazy, but I even started entertaining the idea of maybe having another baby! LOL I know, that's crazy. I'm aware. But I'm just missing Gabe and feeling like our life is getting to the point where I'm not ready to be done being a mother, but my kids are just going to keep leaving! Two more tears with Caleb, and then just a few more with Avery! I'm only 40. Maybe we could still have one more? The only thing that's keeping me from that is that that kid would be basically raised as an only child, and I feel like that would be really sad for them. I just need to try to not have a mental breakdown these next few weeks, and hopefully it will get easier and we will get used to Gabe being gone. I think it's hard when you only have three kids in your family and the oldest one is such an integral part of your family dynamic, and then he leaves. It just feels so empty. I honestly now kind of wish we would've have at least one more kid after Avery. Like, if I could just zap in a 10 year old boy (or girl, but probably preferably a boy... lol) it would make me feel less empty and sad because we'd just still be busy with kids, you know? But... we didn't have more at the time because my pregnancies had been so hard and I had to be on bedrest, and we were also struggling financially at that time, so it just didn't make sense to have anymore. I felt relieved to be done after Avery. But now, I'm just so of regretful that we didn't. Hopefully it gets better with time. 

Anyways, this was a really deep post. I hope someday I look back on this and am like, "Wow, that was such a hard time, I'm so glad I'm better now!" We have this last week of summer vacation, and then I have to start back up with school inservices and stuff starting on next Tuesday, August 20. I will be working all week, and then the NEXT week, the kids start school on Monday, August 26. Then, I'm excited that we will be busy with football games and school and hopefully things will start to feel somewhat normal again and the time will start going faster (I say that with such torn emotions because I know that if it goes faster, it means it's closer to Caleb leaving, and I don't want that either!) But I do really miss Gabe. Somehow, some way, we have to adjust to life without him for the next two years, but it's hard when your son was basically your best friend. :( 

The Hardest Few Days I've Ever Had

So... that title about sums it up! I was thinking back to when Gabe was first born and was hooked up to all the tubes and wires and monitors in the NICU and how hard that was, and I really think these past few days have been harder. There's basically A) the adjusting to him being gone and our new family life, which feels so empty. Plus, B) there's also the constant worry that he's struggling and miserable at the MTC. I feel like I should just drive down there and go pick him up because that's my job as his mom, but yet I feel like there's totally no way I could do that. Everyone keeps saying, "This will get better, it's for his good, he will learn and grow, and it's the refiner's fire," and all that. But right now, it just sucks, to be honest! I think if he was at least loving it and feeling the spirit and writing me and calling me telling me it was all so fun, then I would be able to put my own feelings of sadness aside, but the fact that we talked yesterday and he said he's "really struggling" has me wondering how we are going to make it through two years. I have already cried countless times, and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying just writing this. I'm really hoping that when I talk to him again next Friday (his p-day) that things will have gotten better. 

I didn't really even tell any events of the past week because I've just been venting emotions, but here is what has happened since I wrote last.

Gabe finished Home MTC - His whole Home MTC experience went from Monday, July 22 to Tuesday, July 28. He basically had lots of classes each day, but whenever he had a free moment, we would go for a bike ride or something. It was really good having him home and I was just trying to be available for any spare minute that he had available that he wasn't in classes online. On Sunday, it was his last day in church with us and as I watched him up at the front with Gabe Appleby preparing the sacrament, I was just hovering close to tears thinking about how this might be the last time I watch him do the sacrament! I mean, I know he will come back, but who knows if he will still go up there and do that if he's a return missionary and they have tons of other young men by that time. 

On Monday he still had class for most of the day until about 4:30. Then his friends, Noah and Gabe, came over and hung out until about 9:30 when we kind of had to politely kick them out. Josh gave Gabe a blessing that night and I kind of wish we would have had Gabe give me one, but we didn't. Then on Tuesday, we got everything packed up for the final suitcases (which I had been working on here and there for weeks) and we got all his shirts washed and packed and it suddenly became real! Sophia came over again in the morning to say goodbye. 

Looking back, I kind of regret not being more strict with Gabe and Sophia during the Home MTC. I feel like they were still texting and calling a lot and now that he's at the MTC, he may still be messaging her. I want to tell him that that's probably something that's keeping him from really being immersed in his gospel learning, etc. but I don't want to be a busy-body mom. I think he's going to need to come to that realization himself. He needs to get fully immersed in the MTC, and I think he's not quite letting himself if he's messaging her a lot. Hopefully he will read this someday and be like, "Yup! You were right mom!" But she told me she's going to be at the MTC on Tuesday for her FSY, and that she told that to Gabe, and I'm like, "Are you freaking kidding me?" I didn't say that, but I'm thinking how distracting that could be. I really hope she doesn't try to text Gabe and ask where he is and try to see him. I'll admit, there are moments I have wished he didn't get a girlfriend two months before his mission, and this is definitely one of those moments. If they end up getting married, this can never be seen by them... lol She really is a nice girl, but it's just not the best thing for them both right now.

Anyways, back to the story. We pulled away from our house on Tuesday at about 11:30am. We drove down to Provo, ate dinner at Culver's (Gabe's choice), and got checked into our hotel. We stayed at the Springville Suites Marriott and it was about five minutes from the MTC. Then, we decided to go to Provo Beach (kind of like Fat Cats) and we went bowling and played laser tag. We were only there from about 6:00-7:30. Then Josh wanted to go visit his old mission president, President Cameron, who lived right there by the MTC. He and his wife are the classic older churchy couple. They told us a few stories of Josh on his mission and told Gabe how excited they were for him. Sister Cameron gave him the advice that I think I should have written down, which was, "When you get to the MTC, it's easy to get overwhelmed. But don't get overwhelmed by everything you need to learn and do all at once. You have a lot of time and you won't know it all even when you leave the MTC. That's okay." I think that's where Gabe is struggling right now because he really likes to succeed at everything and he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be good at things. He's very much a perfectionist oldest child. 

Anyways, on Tuesday night we went to sleep in the hotel and I surprisingly slept like a baby. Me and Gabe shared a bed, and Josh and Avery shared a bed and Caleb slept on the roll-away. My friend, Claire, made fun of me when I told her this, but every night for the past 18 years, I have tucked Gabe in and laid down in his bed and we've talked for a while, so I didn't think it was weird at all! lol I actually slept very well knowing he was right there next to me! I was trying to soak in all the Gabe time for the next two years! Josh said he woke up in the middle of the night to pee and he thought Gabe was gone! Then he realized he was literally snuggled up right next to me and like, under my armpit on my side of the bed so he couldn't even see him! lol

The next morning, we woke up and it was crazy to think it was our last few hours with Gabe. We got ready, ate breakfast at the hotel, and then drove over to the Provo City Center temple to take some pictures. The Provo temple that was across from the MTC for years is currently demolished and is just a big hole in the ground! We honestly should have taken a picture of Gabe in front of the hole. That would've been funny to look back on in a few years. Maybe the new one will be built by the time Caleb us leaving. (Probably not... but we will see!) So we took some pictures, then drove back to the hotel and officially checked out just before noon. We also ate an early lunch at about 11:00 at this little place right next to the hotel called Shirley's. It was actually probably the highlight of the morning, it was so good. I'll have to remember that for next time if we end up taking Caleb down to the MTC. (Part of me would be ok just sending him on a plane from Idaho Falls because the MTC drop-off is the worst!)

At about 11:45, we started to make our way over to the MTC. His drop-off time was officially at 12:45, so we still had about an hour to burn. First, we drove over to the corner where the MTC sign is and I made Gabe take a picture in front of that. I felt like all the moms that were in their cars stopped at a stoplight right there were looking at me with faces of pure sympathy, knowing I was about to drop him off maybe also knowing from their own experience how horrible it was about to be. I actually started crying walking down the sidewalk just seeing all their faces look at me like a little kid whose puppy just got hit on the roadside. Luckily, I was wearing my sunglasses. 

Then Gabe and I walked back to the car and we drove a block over to this church that was right next to the Provo temple construction site. As fate would have it, we pulled into a parking spot, and I looked over and there right next to us was a guy that looked familiar. I said, "Gabe! Is that your companion?" He was like, "Elder Walker?" and sure enough! It was! His family had decided to take their last pictures there as well! So we snapped a couple pictures of our families together and the two boys together. I thought it was really cool.

Then, it was time for the big drop-off! We pulled into the little station and checked in and told them we had Elder Rhodes. They guided us to pull into the underground parking garage. As we drove in, we could see lots of elders and sisters standing on the sides waving and welcoming everyone. Then, we pulled to a stop and got out of the car. An elder (who told me he had only been there 2 weeks) introduced himself and I said, "Are you the one who can take a family picture for us?" He said, "Yes," and took a couple pictures. Then, we got Gabe's bags out of the truck and I quick took some pictures as Gabe hugged Avery, then Caleb, then Josh. Then I quick handed my phone to Josh and was like, "Take one of me and Gabe!" I gave him a hug, then pulled away, then gave him one more hug, then started to tear up, and decided I'd better walk away or it would be a total breakdown! I know Gabe really didn't want to start crying either. Then with that, he turned and walked with his elder helper guy and went into the building. It was awful. But I honestly held it together pretty well once we started driving. We got all the way home and I think I only started to tear up once or twice, but didn't actually start crying.

Once we got home though, and we walked into the house and we saw his car in the garage and the chocolate cake he left uneaten on the counter... that's when I broke down. Just the reality hitting that we were home and he wasn't, and he wouldn't be for a verrry long time? That was the worst moment. Our house just doesn't feel the same without Gabe. I really feel like he was kind of the glue that brought laughter and fun into our home. I loved talking with him. I easily talked with him more than anyone else in our family, including Josh. I don't want to be dramatic, but I think one of my biggest fears is just hoping that our family can navigate the change of getting along without Gabe here. He has such a light-hearted influence that seems to often calm the tension between Josh and Caleb or sometimes even me and Josh. I feel like Gabe and I have very similar personalities and we were able to joke around a lot, and I think that's what I'm going to miss the most. 

My friend, Claire, came over that night and we talked for a while and that kind of took my mind off things. Then we went to bed and we only actually had one night in our beds because Josh, Avery, and I went to Boise the next afternoon. 

Waking up on Thursday morning was THE WORST. Probably even worse than drop-off day. I cried right when I woke up. I cried in the shower. I cried in the toilet closet. I cried in Gabe's room on his bed. It was ugly. Walking down the hall to go say good morning to him like I have for the past, well, forever, and seeing his room empty was just horrible. Even as I write this, I'm starting to tear up!

But then luckily, I had planned to go out to lunch with Claire and Michelle King, so by 11:15 I took Avery over to Claire's house so she could babysit and I picked up Claire, and we headed to Cafe Rio to meet Michelle. It was really good to be out of the house and talking with them. It took my mind of it for a little while. While we were there, we ran into Devin, then Kyle Rawson (our stake president), and Debbie McCluskey. Everyone asked how I was doing and it was nice to chat with everyone about Gabe, but I was also trying not to lose it! After lunch, Avery and I got back home at about 1:30. Then, we packed our overnight bags for Boise. 

I went to this police thing at the Romance Theater from about 4:00-4:45 where Josh was awarding the detectives some honors for working on the Daybell case. Then as soon as we all got back home and got packed up, Avery, Josh, and I left for Boise at about 6:00.  Josh had to go there because two new officers were graduating from the academy in Boise and Avery and I decided to tag along, mostly because I wanted a distraction. Caleb thought about coming along, but he had work on Friday and Saturday morning, and he wanted to have his friends sleep over on Friday night, so he stayed home. 

It was a fun little escape from reality. We stayed in a nice hotel and did a little shopping and swam in the hotel pool and watched the Olympics. 

Now we are back home. We got home at about 12:30 this afternoon. Coming home again to a house without Gabe in it was hard again. I really hate it. It's not just that he's gone, it's that I feel like a chapter of our family's story is over. Debbie McCluskey sent me this text the day after we dropped off Gabe and I told her I was struggling, and she said, "It's like grieving a season of life that you had." I think that's so true. I'm grieving that I think he's all grown up and gone, and the season of having all three of our kids young and living under our roof, all tucked safely in for the night as one family unit, those days are gone forever. Now, in the future, we will have to navigate girlfriends, and then spouses, and grandkids, and not having all of our kids together as our little family unit. I hate that. I want my kids all to myself! lol 

Anyways, I guess I better stop having my pity party, but hopefully someday I look back on this time and think to myself, "Whoa, that was so hard. I'm so glad it got better after that." Because right now... it's really not an enjoyable time! I really hope Gabe starts to adjust to the MTC and on the next call, he's telling me, "This week has been better. I'm starting to understand Spanish and make friends and I think it'll be okay." I forgot to even tell about his Facetime call, but he called us on Friday because that was his P-Day. We were in the hotel and it was kind of awkward because I wanted to ask him all these things, but I felt like he couldn't really be as open and honest with me because his companion and other elders were all around in the background. I was like of thinking, "How are we supposed to have a good conversation with all these people listening and all that's going on!?" He had emailed me the night before though and kind of answered some questions I had asked, but he had also told me how he was struggling. I think I will actually copy and paste it here so I have a record of it. It was hard to hear that he's having such a hard time. In the past, when he would call like that from Boy Scout Camp or whatever, we would ask him, "Do you want us to come pick you up?" We never actually did and he would typically get over it within a couple days, but I had a really hard time feeling like I couldn't offer to come pick him up! I think he's just feeling overwhelmed and realizing, "This is the next two years of my life." I really hope it gets better!

Here was Gabe's email on P-day:

I'm sorry your having a hard time. There's already been moments when I've wanted nothing else but to see you all again. When I was about in 1st grade(it was probably later to be honest, I was kinda a baby) but the day before we had planned that I would walk to school with some friends and Nicole Bloyter. Although I agreed to it I really didn't want to because me and you always walked together and I didn't want that to change. Then the morning of when me and my friends had started walking to school and we got to about the hurzoffs and I felt so sad I wasn't with you that I yelled "I have to pee" then ran home and gave you a hug while on the verge of tears and then you drove me to school. There's already been so many times that all I've wanted was to just  come home to you. Before, No matter how hard the homework assignment was or task i was given I knew that you would help me and it would work out. Knowing your still here for me is what's keeping me going. I've been so homesick and it's so hard just being here. But your an amazing mom and I'm so grateful your here for me. You mean so much to me and I can't wait to call you over Facebook messenger. I feel so over whelmed I think I'm just gonna email you my journal and if you could just post that I would be happy if you just pointed any of those people that way. I love you so much mom. Oh yeah the questions, 

1. Where did you go as soon as you walked into the building?

 I was walked up to one of the big teaching buildings, then they walked us to different stations giving us stuff like out cards and phones.
2. Did you find the picture of Sophia’s brother?

 I looked everywhere in the building where she said it was and me and elder Walker couldn't find it, sad day

3. Were you the first one to your room? 

Nope, I was second.the guys in my room are hilarious though.
4. Did you and Elder Walker fight over the top bunk? 

I choose the bottom so I would be getting hit by the fan and he's right above me.

5. Did anyone else bring a Spanish flag? (Send me a picture of your room.) 

Nope, but Elder Walker though it was cool and we hung it up.
6. Who all is in your room? Tell me names and where they are going. Also, tell me if they are weird.

 It's 4 other dudes, Elder Farmer, fetuao, Christensen, and lovel. Farmer and Fetuao are hilarious and super fun, the other two seem cool though.
7. What did you eat for dinner?

I try and get the Hawaii plate most days the quality of everything isn't that good but the first night it was mashed potatoes and chicken. I eat everything because I'm hungry.

8. What did you do after dinner?

 We had a devo then went to our rooms for personal study and journals

9. How are you feeling about everything? Are you homesick yet? 

It's on and off but so far I feel very homesick, I'm writing this Thursday night and I feel pretty good right now, Elder Walker gave me a blessing. I feel behind on memorizing things in Spanish but I'm sure I'll get it eventually. Overall though it could be alot worse but I still have thought about coming home alot. But I know this issl were I need to be even though I miss everyone alot.

This is what you should post:

Wednesday: After I walked through the doors I was led to my room and it's in the basement which is nice because it's always pretty cold. After getting unpacked for about an hour we went to a really nice classroom on the third floor of one of the newer buildings that we will be in every time we have class with our district. Then we had a devotion that started before dinner and went after. Dinner was good, it was slightly better than school lunch. The devo was really good it was by Porcha and Ryan, they both shared really good testimonies and stories. Then me and my companion elder Walker went to our room. We share a room with 4 guys not in our district. Their all really nice but they didn't get fully unpacked until like 10:40 so I didn't get as much sleep as I would've liked. They will leave after 2 weeks so we'll have to get know new roommates. I woke up a couple of times during the night but it wasn't that bad. I've very grateful my mom made me bring a blanket because that's been really nice.

Thursday: When me and my companion woke up we got ready, did some personal study, then went to get our language material. It's alot of stuff and I feel very overwhelmed but I know it'll be OK. We then went to breakfast, now I realize my standards were way to high but it doesn't matter because I'm always to hungry to care. Then we went to a devo which was cool. Then we had lunch and a 3 hour class. It was fun but I have a hard time focusing sometimes. We then meet our branch leaders and they were nice. We then came back to out room and did some more spanisb study. I'm having a hard time memorizing things in Spanish.

I've met some other missionaries I already knew too.

Here are the pictures he shared on his Google pics the first couple of days: